Hell was embittered!

A glorious Pascha! Christ Is Risen!

One of my godchildren, (in his 50's, about 4 years old) who had stopped attending church about 2 years ago, decided to return, and started coming to Lenten services during the final 3 weeks of the fast. He was calling me often during the week, sometimes talking for hours; he had a lot to talk about and questions to ask! Then during Holy Week, I stopped hearing from him. On Holy Saturday, I decided to call and make sure he had a ride to church. Just by the tone of his voice, I could hear that his old reticence had crept in--he had allowed himself to become convinced that Pascha wasn't worth going to if he was not able to receive the Holy Mysteries! Father would want to know why (true), he wasn't feeling too well anyway, he was really tired, he wouldn't be able to get there on time, he'd made up his mind, don't get on his case, etc. *sigh* :^) Ok, pep talk time...

Glory be to God, not only did he come, but he had an epiphany of sorts: as he opened the door of the church "this beautiful golden light poured out, and the choir's voices sounded like angels; and then WHAMMO, it suddenly hit me: why would I want to be anywhere else?! I don't think I'll ever forget it." Glory be to Thee O Lord!

Indeed, why would any of us want to be anywhere else than at the empty tomb of our Lord! Yet, we all have had those moments when going back to Church, for some reason, seems to be intolerable. What I told him, he said, helped him a lot, so I will repeat the gist of it here in case it might benefit any of you who have come to read.

First, know and acknowledge these feelings for what they are, and from whom they come! Second, do not go to Church for anyone but Christ, and do not avoid Church for anyone but Christ. If you do not want Him, don't go for some other reason. Finally, think to a week or a month from now--will you be glad of this decision, or are you making a decision based on the fickle emotions of the moment?

Regarding the first point: as long as you are willing to entertain any thought that begins with "I really can't go to church because", the enemy will supply all the reasons, logic and excuse needed to go along with it and secure you in this delusion. Don't fool yourself with reason and justification. If you aren't going to go, call a spade a spade, and simply call it what it is. "I just don't want to", or "I want to do my own thing" or "I feel rebellious", etc. Then at least you will allow your soul to feel remorse, and to want to do better. Self-justification doesn't allow this. The enemy loves nothing better than to steal the joy of the Feast of Feasts! All over the world, he and his servants strive to convince us that we should not go--when the reality is that ALL are bidden to come. The only one who is not invited is the enemy, and even he would be, were it possible! This is why the Church, in Her wisdom, decrees that only one Paschal Sermon is given, in all the world--that of St. John Chrysostom. He clearly addresses this with the entire first half of the sermon, dispelling any doubt, in any mind, that the Lord's feast is for anyone but them:
    "If any have delayed until the ninth hour, let him draw near, fearing nothing. If any have tarried even until the eleventh hour, let him, also, be not alarmed at his tardiness; for the Lord, who is jealous of his honor, will accept the last even as the first; he gives rest unto him who comes at the eleventh hour, even as unto him who has wrought from the first hour."
The key to avoiding this temptation, I have found (after choosing the wrong choice, over and over--and I'm not out of the woods yet), is to answer the following questions with total honesty: do I want to go but can't? Have I done all I can to get to church? Do I need to take a rest from a service so that I will have strength to attend others? (the "long haul" outlook) Can I go, but don't want to?  After this, it is usually pretty clear where my right path leads.

As to my second point, it's simple. Don't go to church because you're expected to by others. Don't avoid it because you don't want people asking "Why haven't you been coming?", or to avoid a person, or to spare yourself some imagined humiliation. If you must sit when everyone else stands, and this makes you feel others are judging, this is no reason to not attend church. Who cares what others think of how you dress, or if you're late. If you know you should dress more properly but can't be bothered, then you are preferring your own will over the reverence due to Christ. If you can get there early, but must fuss with your appearance so much it makes you late, you're being attentive to yourself  and neglecting the attentiveness due Christ. If you have no strength but to drag yourself through the door and collapse, then go in whatever clothes you have! Christ wants you. If you want Him, then go, to the best of your knowledge and ability.

May God show His infinite mercy to us in ways we can understand, such that we have no doubt as to the immediate gifts He bestows on those who strive to worship Him!

Christ Is Risen!
O Death, where is thy sting?
O Hell, where is thy victory?
He Is Risen, Indeed!